I went from excited to devastated within just an hours time. I was just starting my third trimester, getting another ultrasound done, and we were told that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.
Knowing that I would be delivering my gone baby (I don’t like the word dead) I anticipated it to be the worst moment of my life.
But honestly, the actual birth of my daughter was the single most sacred, beautiful experience I have ever had.
May 19th, 2011 Aria Dawson was silently born.
I can still hear the silence. I know that sounds crazy, but silence does have a sound. It’s like a fuzzy foggy sound. It sort of rumbles. It kind of rings. And when life is too hard to deal with, you focus on the silence. It gets loud. Really loud. I can still hear it.
I was admitted to the Labor and Delivery ward, and was in labor for 10 hours. My Doctors and Nurses kept checking on me, but we had no idea when I would deliver her.
I knew it was happening. I woke up my husband and said, “The baby is coming!” He went to page the Doctor, but I didn’t want him too.
I delivered Aria with just me and my husband in the room. I had this feeling that I wanted to do it, ……..just us. It was beautiful. At the exact moment my heart broke, I was also filled with so much love. I loved my husband. I loved my daughter. And I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me.
That room was so quiet and reverent at that moment. She was born into peace, love, and adoration.
She was beautiful. She looked just like my other daughter. Long legs, bald head, long eyelashes.
She was perfect.
We got to spend a few hours with her. Dress her. We had pictures taken with her. My husband gave her a name and a blessing. I sang to her. “You are my sunshine.”
I promised her that I would be a good Mom to her brothers and sister. I promised her I would never forget her, and I promised her that I would LIVE my life. I would choose joy. I would be happy, for her.
It took me a LONG time to get here. I was lost for so long.
But I kept trying. I knew I needed to do something with my life to honor her. I’ve changed since becoming her mother. How could this experience not change a person? I wanted it to be for good. I needed her existence to have importance and beauty to it.
All she EVER knew of this life was the love she felt inside the womb. All she knew was that I loved her. All she knew was that her brothers liked to talk to her, and her sister liked to sing to her. All she knew was her Daddy’s voice telling her how in love he was. All she knew was good.
They say “Time heals all wounds.” It doesn’t. My heart is still broken.
It took time for me to figure out how to be happy again. I needed time to figure out how to live joyfully and what I wanted out of this experience. I needed time to figure out how to live my authentic life and to live a life of love and celebration, for Aria.
I decided I wanted to help other women find joy in their lives too. It’s easy to lose that spark. Life is hard, and we all have our unique trials to face that take our breath away. Heartbreaking, painful almost impossible trials to overcome. But I want others to know, that you can live a life of joy again.
You can find blessings from any trial. You can find a new purpose in life after things have fallen apart.
Trials can become blessings if we look for the beauty in them.
In honor of Aria, I want to celebrate life! I want to go for a walk and notice nature! I want to give hugs to my friends and tell them how special they are to me. I want to hold my kids and tell them I love them. I want to kiss my hubby. I want to dance in my kitchen and sing into the vacuum. I want to smile and help out a stranger. I want to be the good in this world that Aria knew.
She knew good. She knew love. I want to be that good and love for others too.